Is Nothing gonna change the way.......?

Panic over...
1. Must learn not to worry quite so much, it's very unattractive..
2. Must be hard bitch instead! :o|

No Happy New Year (so far 2.45am) from Ollie :o(

Maybe I should just forget it all now... before something happens, get in first? I don’t really want to because I like him quite a lot.

Damn it, nothing to be done except sleep I guess, it's the only thing that helps in any way at all.

Oh bollocks.. I'm not taking the advice I've been given to be 'light an fluffy'!

A very old Boris Karloff film, The Black Cat, has just come on the tv... tonight seems a perfect night for sitting back and watching a kitch scarey film. It's a shame I hate watching films when I'm alone, it makes me feel claustrophobic, feeling like I might be missing out on something somewhere. I've started watching them while I'm online which means I don't really see much of what's going on cos I'm chatting or 'just looking'.. which kinda defeats the whole object of having a film on.

It's nearly Christmas, I'm feeling soppy... guess I want someone to watch films with........

So it's time to get serious, not with anyone inparticular, but in how I deal with the relationships in my life. I can no-longer assume that because someone is nice to me they are going to hurt me if I let my guard down. I've had people be nice to me lately but I've always felt that they were holding something back or could 'turn' on me at any moment, so I've never truely let my guard down. And by-and-large I've been proved right, most of them are now merely aquiantances who may or may not say 'hello' to me if they see them. So I was safe getting involved with them in the first place because I knew, however vaguely, there would be no long-term personal relationship developing from me knowing them. With some of them it's a shame because they are nice people just not 'the nice person' for me, it's even more of a shame because one of those people was suffering from exactly what I'm describing here.

The people I deliberately haven't got close to lately have been the ones I've recognized as being nice and having the posibility of staying nice. My problem being that I'd thought I'd spotted that with someone before but discovered after a long time that I couldn't have been more wrong, I thought he'd stay nice forever... he didn't and never really had been nice, he'd just been good at hiding it. So now I don't trust my judgement at guageing anything longterm, I guess the truely wrong ones are easy to spot early on.

So as you can see I've been thinking hard about this and realise I need to change if I'm ever going to get what I want from life as far as my emotional happiness is concerned. I think this means I need to forget my past and allow myself to be open to be being properly hurt again and allow myself to get close to people who show that they honestly do like me. If I do do this, then if my theory is correct, I shouldn't get hurt badly again.

Sorry if this is confusing, which I'm pretty positive it is, but it's a new thing to me and I've not got it quite sorted out in my own mind yet which has made it harder to explain clearly.

So in three words...
BRING IT ON!

With every swell there's always dip at the other side.

What you see isn't what you get... there's more, alot more. Apply in writing...

"I am not entirely sure that u dont make your own luck... someone who works hard might have more luck than a waster who fritters his money away on drink and at the bookies..... a carefree attitude to life will rarely bring reward."

A good point in princple but..... the 'might have more luck' part is exactly the part I'm on about, it's 'might'. Someone drinking and betting might be doing that because it makes them happy or because it's the only way they can face the world. As for working hard... how about the person who works all day and has done all their life but still isn't comfortably off and is just managing to get by? Ok things could be handled in different ways but you do what you have to at the time and what you think is best.

Most decent people work their hardest, unfortunately they don't all get rewarded in the same way.

Ooo I invented a new word... 'macho'ness'! So I'm having a posting competition am I?

I do think alot but probably not about the right things, I know what I want out of life but I also know that wanting and getting are two entirely different things. And that stuff about 'you make your own luck' is rubbish... things happen to you in life and you adapt to the situation that you find those things have put you in. Ok you can go out and get what you want, but I think people mostly do things as a reaction to or consequence of something else.

Hmm... why does everything have to be done differently? I guess if everything was the same it would be boring but...

I realise that these posts aren't up to much yet. I've not written coherently for over 2 years now.. just random online chatting, which doesn't lend itself to structured thought. So I'll keep going with these poor quality posts in the hope that in the not too distant future they'll start to make interesting, understandable reading.

So much still to learn... I can be washing my hands and realise I'm still learning about people and it occurs to me that other younger people may already know the things I'm just discovering.. but then I probably know stuff that they don't. Who would have guessed that I'd get to be 33 and still not really have a handle on things or, more to the point, not know if I can cope with the things that are sure to happen to me? That's something they don't tell you, what they should say is, "when you're my age... you'll not know anymore than you do now, you'll just think about it in a different way". Though having said that its blatantly obvious that some people don't think at all and just assume age brings them wisdom and therefore that they deserve respect.

So I'm discovering that doing this whilst I'm online isn't a good idea. I lack in concentration at the best of times and having people 'virtually' shouting weird stuff at me via MSN or chat doesn't aid the process of writing intelligently for this. I had even thought about a few things I wanted to write about, but my brain, such as it is, has turned to cotton wool.... maybe when the coffee kicks in....

So it's December... that means shopping.. which ordinarily would be a great thing, only this year I have no money, no car to go shopping in and no idea what to get for anyone! (my car is oddly high on my list of priorities?!)

Guess that fills another 'worry box', I was feeling like I was getting low on things to worry about. I wonder if I could just have the 'happy' stuff and the 'sad' stuff without the worry inbetween? I know there's no point in 'happy' without 'sad' but the worry is what kills you I think. I suspose it's up to me not to worry but if it was as easy as saying, "I'll stop", I would have done many years ago.

This is evolving as I work out how I want it to look, the latest development is a new post for each differing mood. So this one ends here...